Day 21

Change.  Each year, the Lenten journey gives me a small window to peer into my own resistances leaning into change.  A 40 day focus narrows my perspective as I notice the ebbs and flows of my enthusiasm, stuckness, motion and momentum.  Earlier this week, with a dose of adrenaline (and a blast from the inhaler) I zipped through a chunk of my to do list by sending a series of long over due emails.  For the most part, the tasks were about me “putting myself out there” for work projects that have long been on my mind but long left on the back burner.  I was feeling confident and competent and excited about my efforts.  Then….just hours later, I felt the familiar strain arise.  Who did I think I am to send those emails and presume people would want to hear what I have to say?  What on earth was I thinking to set myself up for rejection?  No doubt the emails had been read and eyes were rolling all over the world because I am not worthy.  My proposals:  ridiculous.  

I see the irony of course, that my work is all about encouraging OTHER people to find and celebrate the greatness within.  That OTHER people are worthy of expressing voice and vision, and I’m really a fraud and a bit of a chump.  For the umpteenth time this Lent (only 21 days?) I find myself face to face with the Gremlins that too often interfere with my own blooming.  Just a week ago, I led a team in a ritual to release that which needs to be sacrificed or released so that our true selves can save and savor the world.  Save and savor the delight.  And crush the gremlins.  Again.  The fresh air needs to come through the window of my doubts and breathe a new perspective into the stale old stuckness that lingers.  Letting words out, letting spirit in.  Again.

Writing Prompt:  The doubts that interfere with my day look like….sound like…smell like…disappear like…

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